Rock baby rock
Last night I came across the music of "Disturbed" and I was like whoah! I never thought I would appreciate metal or rock or whatever music that others consider as noise. But I like it and I'm really loving rock this time.
I cannot say that I am ok right now. But reading through my past entries made me feel better. I'm telling myself now, there were days when I was better naman pala..
Tonight I intend to share every shit that I'm going through which makes me ask myself where to start?
I just remember myself taking a break and being in my same old spot; I felt loneliness and anger.
I felt alone again. Alone because I may have friends and family but I never believed they understood me because all this time I only believe my truth and that is there is only and there will only.. be one person in this world who will understand me and this person is the special person my heart chooses to embrace.
Opening up and talking shit will always make someone like me vulnerable but I don't mind spilling out shit anymore for the sake of having an identity that was never me.
Have you ever felt obligated to make yourself know when you were never comfortable with the idea?
I felt that and the best way to hide oneself is to cover it up with an identity that is acceptable already.
When I think about it, I feel stupid being that person and I wish I can just be me. But I guess I have to wait for another lifetime again for someone special to discover and understand me.
From the moment I saw you I've had false hopes that you will be that one special person who will understand me. I was hoping you of all people will be able to look beyond all the mess I have created and still care, love and understand me. But it wasn't you and when I was right there seated in my spot, thinking...contemplating... I got angry and disappointed.
Come to think of it, I gave up so much of my time just to be with you. Let go of my pride and self-respect just to be with you. But you never wanted me..
Is this why you seem to always walk before me and never beside me?
I want you to know that I am not a slave of whoever you are. And I am not your slave.
I am your friend and I wish you are mine also. I am that person who cares so much for you my heart bleeds whenever I see you in tears. I am that person who will spend long hours and stay with you. I am that person who will wait for you always. And I am that person who will always love and cherish every moment I spend with you.
Maybe it is love. Maybe it is not. I'm not sure. But this is all I offer: my heart. And this is all I am before you.
It will almost be a year since I've known you. I still miss you everyday. I still wish you were the same person who shared her sushi with me. I wish you were still that kind person who gave me that so call "Chinese" fruit.
Being away from you is killing me but being with you will destroy me.
They say I should weigh the good times and the bad times and sad to say the bad times were too many to make me stay. And sometimes I get so angry if remember how I had to act foolishly just to reach you. I had to be stupid. Do I have to go that low just to reach you?
Will you consider a snob as a friend?
Maybe you never wanted to be associated with me.
Maybe.
And this makes me sad.
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